The Swift Ranch Chronicles — Episode Zero: “Well… What the Hell”

Nobody could’ve predicted that a former Army CID Agent/middle school teacher and a tech exec with more servers than sense would end up on a ridge in Middle Tennessee… trying to raise Highland cows and chickens like they were born knowing which end of a shovel goes into the ground.

But here they are.

Their advance recon unit consists of three wildly mismatched canines:

• Roxy — the grumpy, old-soul matriarch who adores her humans with quiet, fierce devotion, but merely tolerates the other dogs the way a seasoned sheriff tolerates rookie deputies.

• Bud — the class clown with a Stephen King twist; goofy on the outside, but internally convinced he’s the apex predator of Swift Ranch. He wants to kill everything — chickens, the barn cat, squirrels, wildlife — yet somehow still trips over his own enthusiasm.

• Starke —majestic and noble, a German Shepherd built like a statue with a bark that could send an intruder straight back down the ridge. Once powered by boundless energy, he’s older now—slower to rise, quicker to enjoy a nap—but still the loyal protector of Swift Ranch, carrying himself like a retired knight who never quite set down his shield.

And then there are the six judgmental chickens, each with the personality of a high-ranking HOA official and the perpetual expression of “you two really think you can run a ranch?”

Technically? No. But they’re going to anyway.

Between them, the humans bring two key skill sets:

One is a mom who knows how to take care of people—resourceful, steady, and a diligent researcher diving headfirst into farm life. The other knows how to automate everything that moves. Both are stubborn enough to say:

“What the hell… let’s try it.”

Which is precisely how they ended up with Highland cows roaming the ridge — as if the Scottish Highlands themselves shrugged and said, “Good luck, y’all.”

Enter Zeke, the AI ranch hand.

He lives in the barn’s solar outbuilding, speaks with the drawl of a man who has patched more fences than he’s had hot suppers, and offers pearls of wisdom like:

“Now I ain’t sayin’ you’re doin’ it wrong… but that cow is on the wrong side of the fence again.”

With Zeke’s guidance, the Swift Ranch crew begins their odyssey into homestead life:

• Googling rotational grazing at 2am

• realizing chickens develop new personality issues biweekly

• and learning that cows will stare into your soul like they’re judging your tax decisions.

Every day is a new combination of chaos, mud, triumph, and laughter — with Roxy sitting nearby giving the side-eye of a grandmother who’s seen better decision-making from toddlers.

Together, the Swifts aren’t just building a ranch.

They’re building a saga. A comedy. A survival manual. A family.

The Swift Ranch Chronicles have begun.