The Swift Ranch Chronicles — Episode One

The Swift Ranch Chronicles — Episode One

Before the Cows Arrive: The Great Barn Cleanup & Supply Panic

Before a single Highland hoof ever touched the Swift Ranch, we discovered a hard truth about ranch life:

You do not simply “get cows.” No, ma’am. You enter a preparatory gauntlet that feels like a cross between a Tractor Supply scavenger hunt and a survival reality show.

🧹

Step One: Clean the Barn

Our barn hasn’t seen “clean” since you had to rewind a VHS before returning it to Blockbuster. It sighs when you open the door—like it already knows you’re about to make decisions you’ll regret. Inside, we found exactly three things:

1. Ancient Manure

Not just old—Biblically old. The kind of manure that has definitely seen some things and may qualify for Social Security. It’s actively decomposing itself. Probably horseshit. Possibly prehistoric.

2. Random Objects

Items clearly left behind by someone who had a plan…a plan they abandoned halfway through and never spoke of again.

3. Bud

Eating something he absolutely should not be eating. Standard procedure. But we dug in anyway—sweeping, scraping, shoveling, reorganizing, and asking ourselves (twice) if burning the whole thing down might be easier.

🛒

Then Came the Purchases

Oh, the purchases. Cattle panels. More cattle panels. Panels you didn’t think you needed until someone online said, “You’ll regret not having extras.” A hay trough large enough to double as a kiddie pool if this whole ranching idea goes sideways. And the 150-gallon stock tank, immediately named the Highland Hydro Station, which required:

three dogs supervising, zero dogs helping, and us questioning our choices.

🧂

The Great Mineral Debate

Salt blocks. Loose minerals. High-mag. Low-mag. Chelated, organic, non-GMO, supernatural, artisanal, locally sourced…and whether Highland cows would appreciate a garnish. Meanwhile, Zeke—Swift Ranch’s AI ranch hand with a PhD in Folksy Commentary—offered his wisdom:

“Y’all sure do read a lot for people who ain’t fed a cow yet.”

🌾

The Hay Math Crisis

Next came the question every new rancher fears:

“How much hay do we need for winter?” A simple question. A complicated answer. A math equation involving:

cow weight

bale density

pasture conditions

moisture content

your personal anxiety tolerance

We ran the numbers, then ran them again. Then we asked Zeke. His answer? “Best I can tell, you’ll either have too much… or not nearly enough.” Inspiring.

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Signs of a Real Ranch

But through all the Googling, sweating, lifting, dragging, shoveling, and decision-regretting, something unexpected happened:

The ridge started becoming a real ranch. The barn now has purpose. The cattle panels stand proudly, daring future cows to try something. The Highland Hydro Station waits for her first fill. The mineral buffet is ready for extremely judgy Scottish cattle.

And the hay situation? We’ll figure it out. Probably. Hopefully. Okay we’re praying.

🐕

The Ranch Crew

Roxy watches everything like a seasoned sheriff. Starke supervises like an aging knight who’s seen some battles. Bud tests every object with his mouth because he firmly believes that’s his job. And us? We’re tired, covered in 30-year-old composting manure, proud, and absolutely in over our heads.

📝

Which Means…

The Swift Ranch Chronicles are going exactly according to plan.